she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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