I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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