GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
