just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
