I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
