i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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