If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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