Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
