I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
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