Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
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He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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