So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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