Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
