This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
