I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
