I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
