We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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