i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
