You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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