I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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