This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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