So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
