just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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