Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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