I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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