we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
