dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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