So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
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when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
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Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
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