Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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