So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
