I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
