Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
