a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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