Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
