Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
