Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Randomize
