I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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