Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Randomize
