He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
