I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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