I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
