I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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