I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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