dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
