Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
