so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
