"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
