Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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