i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
