somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
