i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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