Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
So here I am, sexting at work.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
