a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Even my vagina gasped.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
