you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
