The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
