I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
