Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
